This is just a post on how I feel I fail at homemaking.
Okay so my dog just farted hahaha! Breaking the ice already.
We’ve been in this house for almost two years now. While I’ve “had a condo” prior to this, it wasn’t entirely mine to keep tidy. My mom lived with me for years and it’s fair to say she did 99% of the cleaning. I also shared the unit with my sister who stayed there in between vacations from her work in Singapore. So in short, I’ve never done deep cleaning of any house in my life. The closest tasks to housekeeping that I’ve done before I moved in with my husband were washing the dishes, picking up dog poops and rubbing the floor with disinfectant after they went pee-pee.
Tonight, I scrubbed our toilet clean. I used bleach. Tons of it. I inhaled the chemical for minutes. My eyes hurt and it was hard to breathe. Like a true blue millennial housekeeper, I Googled my situation. The internet showed me what an idiot I was — too much bleach permanently damages the lungs, and apparently, mixing it with other cleaning agents is even more hazardous.
These days — with my anxiety symptoms brewing quickly — it is so easy to put my spirits down. I only needed a quick Google search to feel stupid, put myself down and become extremely disappointed with my lack of experience and knowledge in what I think should be very simple tasks. That’s not news. I should get a badge for being my Top Basher.
“How could I not know that?!” “What game am I playing with this house?!” “What am I even doing here?!” “Who am I kidding?!”
My husband has never made me feel like crap. If anything, he always finds excuses for my neophyte mistakes. But I’ve been doing this for a couple of years now, I’ve been a wife for almost three years. And I still suck at organizing our home. I can’t have any more free passes.
The saddest part is that I know I will keep on failing. It is worrisome when you know people hate you (I don’t think people hate me). But it is heavier when you’re the one who hates you.
I know the drill: I should forgive myself, lift myself up, keep in mind it’s just a toilet, realize this does not define my future, and all those motherhood statements. This is just a phase. My angelic supportive husband keeps up with my shit so who am I not to?
Aja, Dane. Fighting!
Love you Twiggy!! :( didnt realize people actually read this 🤣 i feel so overwhelmed especially na we had to vacate the other room dahil sira aircon. Shucks ang first world kadiri. Pero naging tambakan na ang kabilang room. I have to binge marie kondo. Thank you :( :*
Hear you, Dane 😊 What you're feeling is normal. Great to hear that you're feeling positive! It's okay to feel bad when things don't align with our best hopes. I know you already take things one day at a time. Besides, who among us who live away from elders hasn't suffered through those cleaning fumes? I know I'm guilty. 😅 Just like to let you know that when you need it, we can be there to tackle these things with you. I can help sweep and organize a la Marie Kondo! Love you!